Growing up, dreaming of kids I always envisioned having a little girl and through that little girl I dreamed of living a different life. Because she would be my chance to help her break free from society’s self imposed limitations and therefore freeing myself in a way.

I have been a great champion of the female empowerment movements aimed at our preconceived ideas about what girls can accomplish. I’m thrilled at the momentum I see around female empowerment in this area.

Because I had a boy instead of a girl, I’m in somewhat uncharted territories never having envisioned him. For awhile, I thought… well, I don’t have to worry about him because he’ll be fine. I mean, I realized that I needed to instill in him the values that would allow for women to be seen as more than extensions of him. I knew that I wanted to teach him to value and respect women.

However, my son threw me a bit of a curve ball that I think needs to be addressed not only in myself but in the wider community. Gender stereotypes are as equally damaging to boys as they are to girls.

My values and deep seated stereotypes have been tested in this area. From the time Zen was a toddler, there have been times that I’ve steered him toward choices that are a reflection of what I think is appropriate for boys. In some ways, Zen is an enthusiastic boy. He has always loved trucks, transformers, and power rangers. But he has also loved more traditionally girl things like princesses and barbies. He wanted to dress up like Elsa and he was drawn to her backpacks. I let him play dress up in her costumes when he was playing at friend’s houses but steered him to a Cars backpack which he equally liked.  I did things like this when he was young because in my mind I just thought he was too young to really understand these things and I told myself I just didn’t want him to be teased.

I began to be truly tested when one of the moms called me because her son had said that Zen wanted a barbie for his gift exchange. She wanted to make sure that he had heard right and I was shocked. Zen had never said he wanted a barbie but I asked him just to be sure. He told me that he didn’t want a barbie. So I took that at face value and told her so. But then I caught him watching a barbie series and then he also admitted that he did like barbies. The boy insisted on getting Zen a barbie as well as another toy. Zen was indeed fascinated by the barbie but it seemed like a passing curiosity. He immediately undressed her, so I told myself he was simply curious about her anatomy.

Then I was at his playground one day and I overheard an older girl calling him transgender. I immediately got confused and balked. My son is not transgender. When I asked Zen about this, he told me that he told her that he was half boy and half girl and he meant it.

I thought about all of this and realized that I needed to dig into my thoughts and feelings around this issue a bit more. I needed to evolve my own preconceptions. It makes so much sense to me that Zen thinks he is half boy and half girl… because aren’t we all to some extent? The percentages vary based on biological differences, but we put so much effort into clearly defining gender roles so we can people into self imposed categories for better understanding. When people don’t fit into those categories, we start to feel uncomfortable and this feeling causes us to lash out at the people we think are causing it.

Zen loves Minecraft and shooter games, but he also loves JoJo Siwa and getting his nails painted. We moved to the most liberal part of Texas from NYC, thinking we were safe from gender bullying. But Zen encounters it on the bus and in the school yard. His JoJo Siwa nails and backpack offend the boys. He is making them feel uncomfortable because he doesn’t fit into their neat little boxes about who a boy should be. Maybe some of them actually wish they could be free to paint their nails too. But he is “other” and so they push him and call him names. It breaks my heart.

So, let’s keep up this women’s movement, but let’s address what’s locking boys into damaging preconceived  roles as well. Maybe then we can all grow to be ourselves, limitless in our possibilities.