How many of us sail above our life, suppressing or numbing our emotions because we were either never taught how to manage them effectively or worse, we were taught that our emotions were somehow bad or wrong? Fearing, repressing or numbing our emotions close us off from fully engaging with our life and creating satisfying relationships with others. After all, it is the relationships and bonds that we build that determine a happy life.
At 44, I’ve decided to take an extended break from one of my favorite emotional numbing agents, drinking. In fact, I’m seriously considering giving it up entirely. It’s been a self-medicating device that I’ve abused over the years and I’ve been worried for quite some time about it’s effect on my health. I’ve attempted to cut down multiple times and usually take a month off every year… hoping these attempts would allow me to keep it in my life. I didn’t want to give it up entirely. There were so many reasons why, but mostly it had become part of my identity, my faithful partner… my intimate friend. The way cigarettes had been many years before.
I had a successful 3-month break earlier this year. My dad died the year before, I started by own business, and I had finally escaped Brooklyn after living in NYC for 17 years. I was ready for a change. I started to seriously work on my spiritual life, meditating on a daily basis, and attending classes. I was satisfied with my progress. I felt overall happier and more engaged with my life and my future.
This break was quite different from the white-knuckling effort that usually surrounded my January breaks. Wishing to avoid misery this time around, I read Allen Carr’s book, “The Easy Way to Stop Drinking”. This book flipped my perception about alcohol. It helped me understand that what I thought I was getting from alcohol was really a lie. I focused on the positive benefits of abstaining and felt less deprived during this break.
I remember having bad days during my break. This contradicted my idea that if I could just stop drinking, I could live my best life. I had bad days… I had moody days … I had stressful days. It was good not to have alcohol around to be the salve. Since this break wasn’t really about reconnecting to the feeling part of my self, I found other ways of escaping. But it was a good break nonetheless.
But as soon as the break ended, I slowly started to binge drink on weekends, on holidays and, finally it started to creep into my week. It coincided with some harsh realities that I was shining a light on during my spiritual work. I had to turn inward and look at my inner life with more honesty. This brought up negative feelings and in turn triggered a deep seated pattern to flee. I wallowed here for a few days and binged in ways that I’m embarrassed to share fully.
Within this wallowing was a deeper desire to move beyond this, to know myself more fully… to learn different ways of coping so I wouldn’t regret the next 20 or so years of my life. They say change comes only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. I am nervous about this change, but I’m ready. I’m ready to live my life with sober presence, without alcohol’s distancing film. Instead of sailing above, I want to be immersed in the waves. I don’t want to sleep walk anymore. Here’s to conscious presence and living fully.
Image Credit: Woman Holding Herself by Yang Cau
